Cling Free?

Are you clingy by nature? What a cringe-worthy question! None of us wants to be called clingy, as it brings to mind a needy and desperate sense that all of us would like to avoid. Stay with me here, because I think we all have aspects of our personality that are clingy in nature, and the ancient yoga philosophers thought so too!

There’s a concept in yoga tradition called Aparigraha, one of the 8 limbs of yoga developed by Patanjali sometime between 200 BC and 200 CE….a long time ago! Aparigraha translated into English means ‘non-grasping’ or ‘non-possessiveness.’ It’s a practice of avoiding taking any more than we need and letting go of excess. Aparigraha is about our human desires to hang onto things: possessions, relationships, the status quo, or the way things ought to be. 

I’d speculate that many of us have struggled with the concept of non-grasping or clinging to things we think will make our lives better. Has anybody had to clean out a junk drawer or sort through a closet because somehow, we now have too much? Our economy and culture encourage us to buy new things and consume. We buy into the idea that we will be happier with the latest tech gadget or a new pair of fabulous shoes. Loving our stuff and our belongings is a form of grasping as we seek to keep up with others and achieve a certain standard of living.

We all probably know at least one person or have been the person who has stayed in a relationship way past its expiration date. The relationship has become one-sided, or worse, neglectful or abusive. Yet, people in these relationships stay. I would guess in part, it’s because they fear being alone, or they feel unworthy and worry that no one else will have them. So they grasp and cling and hang onto people and relationships that no longer bring delight and in some cases, bring dysfunction or worse.

Control freaks (like me) also fall into this grasping and clingy narrative. When we feel we need to control every outcome, or keep things safe and predictable, in many ways we are again operating from a model that says life is scary, no one will like us if we don’t have it all together, or that we’ll be found out…as the imposters that we are!

The opposite of feeling clingy, controlling, or grasping is the feeling of enough. It’s about being comfortable in the present and accepting of whatever our current reality might be. It’s not giving up or being passive, but rather a change in viewpoint from one of lack, to one of plenty, or at least enough. When we feel satisfied and content, we let go of comparing ourselves to others and worry less about whether or not we measure up.

If you live in poverty or are struggling to make ends meet, its hard not to yearn for a better life or to want your circumstances to improve. Yet, many poor folks seem to grasp and cling less than those who are affluent. It’s all about mindset and how we choose to see our world. If we feel we have some richness in some part of our life, then we are indeed wealthy. Having good health, a supportive partner, or a place to call home can be deeply satisfying.

I’m inspired by the new trend I see toward thrifting and simply living with less. People are making the active choice to turn away from the constant pressure for more and are buying second hand items, sharing what they don’t need, and living in simpler tiny homes. Without realizing it, they are practicing Aparigraha; living within their means, being grateful for simple pleasures, and being more content with life right here and now.

I guess we all have times in life when we simply want MORE. It’s part of the human condition and what Patanjali and other yoga teachers identified centuries ago. The yoga teaching is simple: take time for awareness. Remember, everything in life changes and is fleeting. To demand that things stay the same, that people never leave, or that somehow we deserve more, will only leave us feeling more depleted and frustrated. We probably can’t root out all that is clingy and demanding about our nature, but with reflection and awareness, we can find space and reasons to be happy and satisfied with where we are, right now.